Random Pics (captions upcoming!!)!!!

"the same light is within all"

Where the F@*K were u 4 the last few months Goony??!!! (captions to be added!)

VIDEO HEAVEN!!!!

check out all the vids below from the last few months,.... i promise u each one will either crack u up, wow u or warm ure heart!!! take care munchkins~!!!!!!!

John Karaoke!!!!

So it seems John is an old pro at this game!!! he sings to his favoutite...lionel richie...with the aid of P-pIe...feel the power baby!!!!!!

POSEDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these are my boys from the gym i went consistently to for the last 3 months of my stay in Chiang Rai..they all compete, although now they're all on their off season (not competition shape)...i made friends with all the big boyz in the gym and won their respect through consistent intensity and deadlifting more than they did...last 210 kg for 2 reps....big up the ego!!! it was awesome trainin with them...they all did heavy weight with the best form i've ever seen in my life!!!!...watch them in this posedown..they look awesome!!! its a bit dark but u can still make out all their lines....

Crazy Mike!!!!

On our little farewell party by the English staff....P-Soi and Jorji try to sing to what is probably their most favourite song...u know, deep and meaningful....Mike the crazy bastard is doing cartwheels in the background...great stuff!!!!!

Ridin those elephants baby!!!!

myself in Pai (meh hong song province) riding an elephant...jus looks so funny...i was half asleep, it was so early in the mornin!!!! Watch me trying to act like Attenborough...i don't think so somehow!!!!

MR POSTMAN!!!!

sKEETER sings the old classic "Mr Postman" at a karaoke booth...u can't see him that well..but jus listen to him sing!!! its all him....he's so funny!!!..one of the nicest and most genuine people i've met here....i loved that guy...sexually...Grrrrrrrr!!!!

bYE bYE!!!!!

i think we'll leave it at that...my studentzzz....i miss u lil bastards!!!

Jingle Bell ROCK!!!!

The kidz practice jingle bell rock for the Christmas show in mike's class!!!

ChRISTMAS sHow!!!

Watch our Christmas show...it was wild...kidz goin crazy......and a random student dressed up as "Doremon" this robotic cat from the future with a magical pouch!!! soundzzz so stupid!!!....but they totally love him in thailand,,,, for real.....

John enjoying some testicles!!!

On the back of a pickup truck, going towards some hot springs..watch John tuck into some thai testicles.....i know u enjoyed it john.......mmmm....

SKEETER BAY!!

This is from our mission to Chiang Rai Church on Christmas day....watch skeeter crack up as the baby tries to hypnotize us through the camera lense!!!

SPORTZZZ NITE!!!

after we finished sports day (more like a week!) we let our hair down with the kidz at the aftershow party...these kidz go crazy man..and we followed suit..watch as these lil energetic pumpkins dance the night away!!

LADYBOY ROCK!!!!!

this is a performance by a group of ladyboyz from our skool...at a festival fair held on the school grounds...watch how scandelous they get!!!!!....its amazin how they move their hips!!!..it actually turns me on a little....ok, that was sick....

POO TIME!!!!!

this student...her name is poo!!!...is one of our favourite kidz from pcc!!! she's so cute!!! we all want to adopt her or at least to have a kid girl like her..she's so small..u know...when they look like babies and u jus wanna eat them..their little hands and feet...ok, i've freaked u out again haven't i!!!!

BIG C MISSIONZZZZZZZZZZ!

tHIS CLip is from big C, our local big ass shoppin centre...a mall the americans like to call it...yep, this is what we do on the usual trip to purchase our groceries...i think we freaKed out the locals a little!!!!

joHN & GOONY dancin!!!!!

well trying to at least..not quite authentic thai dancin..but we tried..the way i wiggle my ass actually surprised me..i didnt know i done that when i danced!!..goony u sexy beast!!....ok, that was groce!!!

C CARD!!!!!!!!

t here john introduces us to a "normal" thai christmas card by a student...prepared to be wowed!!! these kidzzzz are so talented man!!!!!!!

DROWING IN KANCHANABURI!!!

check this out..we're in Kanchanaburi (2 hours outside bangkok) at the beautiful Erawan waterfall park...John slides down gracefully into the water...keep following the camera to see me drowning..while mike laughs his head off!!! i was about to die man!!! no one gave a shit!!!! (some1 please give me swimming lessons!!)

CRAZY CCR!!!!!

tHIS Is from one of mike's classes....the kidz knew some random rock anthem by some random american rock band called CCR!!!! who the hell are they!!! the kidz knew it by heart....mike was in old skool heaven!!!

OAT POSEDOWN!!!!

oAt posedown!!! this was probably my best mate from the gym...we trained to gether sometimes and he always gave me a lift home..he always tried to give me free porn for some reason??......he used to rep out 120 kg bench press with the most concentrated form i've ever seen and squat over 200kg for reps, behind the neck shoulder press 100kg for reps.. etc etc....he's now on his bulking phase, so he's definition is not all there yet,,but ive seen him all cut up before a competition in bangkok (he got 1st and he looks like a beast)...he's lookin bulky here...but he's pose routine is legit!!!!! ...i used to call him ronnie..(after ronnie coleman!!!)

I AM ONE HELL OF A LAZY BASTARD!!!

The last few months have been spent setting exams, assessing interviews and roleplays and than grading the lot...for those few that take a ganders at my blog wheneva they want to check if i am still alive ... I AM!!! (unfortunately!!)...so, to keep u guys reading i've posted my friend mike's newsletters, which he sends home. I'm sure u'll find them very humourous!!! Enjoy!!!!!!

More is on the way..including my picture summary of our first semester here and also all our crazy videos...(and believe me, they are craaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzy!!!!)

laters! x!

Taste of Thailand: ISSUE 6!!!

TASTE OF THAILAND ISSUE 6 FEB 14 2006



THAILAND MOURNS THE DEATH OF QUIRKY KOREAN.

Michael Rios, English teacher and bran muffin enthusiast, died last week when he fell 5,426 feet to his grave.

The adopted South Korean son of Phillip and Susan Rios, was visiting Doy Puchifah (the Mountain of the Sky) when his glasses fell out of his pocket and vanished into the clouds beneath him. Goony Singh, a professional fishmonger, witnessed the tragedy.

“I’ve never seen a moderately grown man cry like that before” said Singh, “As soon as he lost them spectacles, he started screaming, demanding that God himself rise from the heavens and apologize.”



But God did not show.

Former students report that Rios had been under a lot of stress since losing the cookie eating competition last Christmas. After the debacle, many of them recall their teacher repeatedly muttering “whose side is God really on?” during a majority of his class periods. Whether or not the defeat was the underlying cause for the 23-year-old’s mental explosion, one could speculate.

Rios spent his final moments perched on Puchifah’s summit, overlooking the mountain peaks of Laos and northern Thailand; for nearly 2 hours, he poked at the clouds with a small tree branch, moaning, sniffing, and slowly weeping his eyeballs out. “He looked like a monkey with that branch,” Singh said, “A monkey who was in love with his spectacles.”

Some would say, at least the goofball chose a serene place to lose his marbles.

Unfortunately the Korean lost more than just his mental strength. After one too many pokes, he finally lost balance and slipped into the clouds, joining his prized possession. Monks report that the rocks below his feet did not help the situation, as they were coated with a thick layer of snot and tears.

Funeral services will be held today at Princess Chulabhorn’s College Chiang Rai. The students have honored Rios by baking a massive abstract cookie, molded to resemble a heart/their teacher’s unique “porcupine hair style.”


CONSUMING GIANT WATER BUGS 101.



1. Grab her by the horns. Show her who’s boss and rip off the head first.

2. Remove the legs and stinger to prevent unwanted stabs and/or prods.

3. Have a handful of bamboo worms and crickets ready to wash the big bad bug down.

4. Treat her like a band-aid. Take the 3-inch beast in on one chomp. Biting off in rounds will result in bug juice spraying all over your dining area, blinding those who are unlucky enough to get some in the eye.

5. Do the Mexican hat-dance. And hop around your table as if she were a sombrero. You are in for 5 minutes of grossness. The water-bug’s exoskeleton won’t go down without a fight.




FACTS OF THE WEEK:

• A few taxi drivers approached us this weekend when we went to Chiang Mai (largest city in the north) and offered us transportation to a business offering a “Boom boom massage”. I guess to sweeten the deal, one driver added “they have coffee”, ya know, in case we were hardcore craving caffeine. Again, no happy endings were given.

• My first and favorite secret admirer, Miss Flower (known for her grammatical errors), revealed her true identity to me today. The confrontation was “awkwardly cute” as (A.) she blindsided me, (B.) I was trapped in a corner, and (C.) all of her friends were peaking outside giggling, waiting to see my reaction to her gift. Now, I’m not the most graceful of gift openers in the first-place, but I genuinely appreciated her homemade card, mix CD, and gourmet chocolates. She happens to be one of McNugget’s favorite students and her favorite subject is art.

• While eating with our colleagues the other day, one of the teachers looked up at McNugget and said, “You eat like baby.” I immediately laughed and went to go grab seconds. As I was filling up my bowl, I heard McNugget ask her, “What does Mike eat like?” and she said, “He eat like monster.”

FUN OR NOT SO FUN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

• The three of us went to a Potato concert last week (remember 5AM wakeup calls). During the entire show, hundreds of Thai boys sat on the shoulders of their friends, shirtless, and twirled their shirts around like it was a lasso. And may I add, for the first time in my life, I could actually see the stage, as I was taller than most the people there. Hooray for being Super-Sized.

• Thais have no problem picking their nose in public. And when they do it, they really go to town. I was interviewing one of my students today, and while I was asking her a question, she suddenly had a mighty nose itch. I completely blanked. I was honestly stuck in the headlights until she removed her finger from her left nostril.

WORST THAI PICK-UP LINES (TRANSLATED TO ENGLISH):
• Are you tired? Why? Because you’re running circles in my heart.

• Do you have any oil? Why? So I can fry a bridge to our love.

• Do you want to go to the farm? Which farm? The farm of our love.

TOP LOVE POEMS FROM THAI STUDENTS:



Love is boy and girl
When the world is pink, everything is love.
And I confirm. It’s real. It’s pure.


Love is pen.
Because it can write many stories in your memories.
Love is diary.
If you open it, we begins.


Sun don’t forget wakeup
Sea don’t forget wave
I don’t forget you, forever


Happy with you, smile with me.
I and you to be we are


AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• During a recent trip to a mountain with two students and their families, McNugget found himself to be the victim of a plethora of both emotional and physical noogies. As the only white-person spending the night on the mountain, the White Knight was bombed with piercingly loud Thai lessons from all angles wherever he went. It was a nice gesture by our new friends, but he couldn’t step anywhere without being surrounded by a handful of mouths repeating the same word at a mile a minute. I can only imagine that it felt like “clinically insane.”



ON THE MENU:

• The Super Tasty Photo Issue

Taste of Thailand: ISSUE 5!!!

TASTE OF THAILAND ISSUE 5 JAN 20 2006

FORMER CHAMPION COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT.



Since 2001, Goony Singh has been a faithful vegetarian. But as the Brit proved last weekend, even the strongest of herbivores can pull a hammy if thrown in the right circumstance.

Singh, known worldwide for his career in the United Kingdom Fisherman’s League, converted to vegetarianism shortly after announcing his retirement in ’01, when he became the youngest fishmonger to catch 1,000,000 rainbow trout since Robert Redford.

Pi Thong, editor for Fish Fetish magazine, comments, “Goony was the best there ever was and ever will be. Bottom line. His ‘No Holds Barred’ technique will be studied for years.”

Unfortunately for all the children visiting Erawan Waterfalls last weekend, Singh ended his hiatus and tasted blood for the first time in nearly five years. There are many speculations as to what caused “Macho Monger” to feed again, but experts believe the disaster struck after he discovered he had finished the last of his Skippy brand peanut butter. Surrounded by only chicken and pork for three months, Goony has relied on his PB rations to provide him with the energy he needs to survive.



Witnesses report that Goony was staring into the water, when a magical fish jumped from the lagoon and smacked him in the beard. “Then the muscular fellow dove in after it,” a Japanese Tourist said, “He was screaming… there were fish heads flying everywhere. Mothers and children were crying, but I thought it was inspirational. It makes me want to be a fishmonger someday.”

Park rangers managed to tranquillize Singh in less than ten minutes. But the damage was done, hundreds of magical fish and two children were killed. Singh will be held at Old Man Snakehead Penitentiary without trial or peanut butter for life.

While many mothers agree with such punishment, there are some who still support the former champion. “I understand his pain,” Thong said, “No one likes a peanut butter and jelly sammy without the PB, that’s just ineffable.”
GREEN “BALLOON OF HOPE” GOES FLACCID.

Screaming. Cheering. Losing your mind. For three days. That’s how we do it in upcountry Thailand. Non-stop.

Sports weekend finally hit Chiang Rai, and it did so with some serious POW. The students were divided into four teams (blue, red, yellow, and green) and competed in a variety of events, from bocce ball to dancing competitions to indoor soccer. Goony, McNugget, and I were also given a jersey and dove in with the students to cheer-on our teams. We couldn’t keep up with the students however, as they seriously went nuts for the whole three-day event without losing an ounce of steam.



Goony’s Blue Mummies were by far the most dominant, sweeping most of the events with great poise and sportsmanship as Goony waived their flag with the utmost pride. My Red Devils, while playing with great heart and flair, couldn’t get past the Mummies athletic prowess. And then there were McNugget’s Green Ninjas. While cute, they were just downright pitiful.



On the final day of competition, all the events had finished except for the track and field events. Goony and I were drafted as commentators at the announcement table, and were having an absolute ball when we noticed a white shiny object in the distance. We quickly realized that the blinding white flash was none other than McNugget holding a green balloon. The White Knight had lined up for the final race, the 1600 meter relay, next to one of his Green Ninjas.




The pistol shot-off and McNugget darted ahead of everyone like he was that electronic rabbit in a greyhound race. Every team but his own eventually passed the Knight, who was still holding his green balloon high in the air, waving it back and forth, yelling desperately for the Green Ninjas to catch up. In the end, Blue finished first, followed by Red/Yellow, then the white flash/green balloon, and last and certainly least, the 4th struggling Green Ninja.

The White Knight didn’t seem to appreciate the commentators’ laughter or comments on the matter.



GREEN “BALLOON OF HOPE” GETS PICK ME UP.



But the Knight’s time to shine even brighter would come soon enough.

As I mentioned earlier, most Thais are not built for athletic competition. After the last track and field race, the basketball coach (who is indeed built for sports) asked if we wanted to play in a teacher vs. student basketball exhibition game.

Now Goony has never played basketball. And McNugget and I, in America, would be the last two people you’d ever want on your team. Fact is, we both haven’t played basketball since puberty, because of how utterly terrible we are. But in Thailand, there is no limit to how bad someone can be at basketball, most students don’t dribble, and even fewer can actually hit rim when they shoot the ball.



Because McNugget and I can perform a “lay-up” we might as well of been basketball gods. There is no such thing as defense in Thai basketball, or jumping for rebounds, just insanity, air-balls, and double-dribbles galore. There were moments when McNugget, Goony, and I were flailing on the basketball floor with the students, laughing uncontrollably as the ball hopped around like a hot-potato. We consistently made students shriek nervously by our intensity and I had to stop playing and compose myself every time I saw a successful “bowling ball pass” go between the legs of another student.



It’s really really sad, but playing basketball that afternoon against kids still going through their awkward stage was and will most likely be my greatest athletic performance ever. I actually lost track of how many points I scored, but I’m fairly certain it’s more points than I’ve scored in the last two decades combined.

…

MEXICAN CUISINE CURSES NEW YEAR.

On Thanksgiving you’ve got your Turkey, for Christmas and Easter, you’ve got your honey roasted ham. Super bowl? Chips and Salsa. But as Americans, what do we have for New Years? Pepperoni pizza and champagne?

For our December 31st away from home, McNugget and I were chosen to represent the United States in the Tourist Inn New Years International Potluck, an event where guests from around the world prepare specialty dishes from their native land.

Since ground beef is expensive and hotdogs are everywhere, we traveled to the Import Grocery Store in hopes to find something else that would whisper “Uniquely America”. We searched the aisles up and down, but with no luck, we couldn’t find anything worthwhile, and unfortunately, the best option to represent the Land of the Free seemed to be canned Spam.

So we made the decision to represent “The Americas” and went tacos. Chicken tacos supreme.



When we arrived back at the inn, on the patio, people were preparing the cooking stations for traditional Korean BBQ. Inside, the kitchen was hopping; A roomful of small Asian women were whipping up decorative green tea muffins, colossal vegetable pancakes, fresh sushi, tiny sweet potatoes, and a witch’s cauldron full of Japanese stew. The tacos would have to wait; we preferred that our disaster be made in private, rather than in a room full of 21st century cooking machines.

Van Morrison’s Greatest Hits set the mood perfectly as we kicked off the dinner in true Thai fashion; that is, eating in a circle, laughing, singing, and enjoying life to the fullest. With about 2 hours left until countdown, a playfully drunk inn owner ran up to me with Skeeter and started repeating a phrase I couldn’t understand for the life of me. Finally the owner said, “You speak Spanish?” and I realized they were trying to say “Queiro Taco.”

McNugget and I stormed off to the cooking arena and took the kitchen helm by the horns. 30 minutes later, the fiesta began, and we served the stuffed shells fresh off the baking sheet. I’m also thoroughly pleased to say, until the final crumb was devoured, all you could hear was the crunch of victory. Score one for The Americas, “Taco Time” was a smashing success.

At last it was 2006. The time had come for us to light a giant soaring lantern (think mini hot air balloon), to send off into the stars and spread good luck upon us for the New Year. Before lighting our beacon of good fortune, we signed the delicate paper shell and for some reason, included our e-mail addresses.

We gathered in a circle, all holding an edge of the lantern, while Off, one of our goofier Thai friends, dowsed the base with lighter fluid. Then he looked right at me, smiled, and said, “This one’s for Taco Time” and struck a match. My laughter was quickly silenced by the screams of terror around me. The delicate paper lantern walls had caught fire, and with it our dreams of 2006.



Apparently, Thai lanterns simply aren’t a fan of too much sour cream.



FACTS OF THE MONTH:

• Some of the guests who partook in “Taco Time” had a strong suspicion that McNugget and I were lovers because we enjoyed flirting with one another and had excellent cooking chemistry.

• Skeeter, our own “Japanese Tourist”, left a few weeks ago. We will miss him; he was a grade A mentee and hard-working Skippy Peanut Butter Scout. On one of his last nights, we took him out for karaoke and watched in awe as he sang and danced to “Mr. Postman” gorgeously.

• Update on the skin whitening phenomenon: Not only do stores sell skin whitening creams, lotions, and drugs, but also skin whitening deodorant for that hard to reach underarm area.

• During a night carnival, I was trying to speak Thai to one of the female teachers when I hit a brick wall of inappropriate failure. I decided to stop speaking both Thai and English for the evening when instead of saying “So, do you like to eat cotton candy?” as I fully intended to say, I asked, “So, do you like to eat pubic hair?”

CULTURAL WHOOPSY DAISY OF THE MONTH:

• In between classes, McNugget was preparing some food in the English Department when he came across a small herd of red ants. He proceeded to completely destroy them all, laughing with each and every frag. He finished his killing-spree to find the entire Thai faculty staring at him with great fear and confusion. Later, he would find out, that Buddhists literally don’t harm a fly.

RANDOM QUOTE FROM A THAI PERSON:

• “My cat get fat. Because I cut his testies.”



AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE MONTH:

• A student, who is consistently tardy in one of McNugget’s classes, ran in 10 minutes late last week holding what appeared to be a note and immediately asked to use the bathroom. The White Knight snatched the object from her hand, and started to say “Wait a minute, what makes you think you can…” until he realized the object was a tampon and started freaking out.


FUN OR NOT SO FUN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

• In northern Thailand, during the winter season, Thais are constantly commenting on how cold they are. Despite such claims, where air conditioning is an option, without fail, they love to use the technology relentlessly. Last week, on our 12 hour bus ride back north, we found ourselves covering our shivering bodies with anything and everything in our backpacks (books, tissue, dirty laundry, half-eaten croissants, etc) in hopes to prevent further frostbite. It seems that Thais haven’t quite grasped the fact that a person can change the air flow settings - and rather than using “Low”, “Medium”, and/or “High” as needed, Thais like to set the AC to “Meat Locker” and keep it there until all the passengers die from hypothermia.



ON THE MENU:

• Lady Boys Gone Wild
• Americans Eat Bugs Like They Flapjacks
• The Downfall of The Iron Dragon

Taste of Thailand: ISSUE 4!!!

TASTE OF THAILAND ISSUE 4 DEC 25 2005



MCNUGGET WITH YOUR SKIN SO WHITE,
WON’T YOU GUIDE OUR PLAY TONIGHT?

John McNugget, known by many as one of London’s “High Tea Times ” superstars, jumped on board the teach in Thailand wagon a few weeks ago, when Princess Chulabhorn’s College voiced the need for one more foreign teacher.

Fully aware of the arctic freeze splashings, McNugget joined without reservations, and arrived in Chiang Rai after 36 solid hours of travel. With only a half day to adjust, he was quickly thrown into his first classes, where the kids gave him his own Cinderella welcoming, complete with giggles, dancing, and Billy Joel’s Piano Man.

With more than 800 Thai students and no other pure Whitey’s, this Irish-American sticks out like bleeding monkey in Antarctica. Recently dubbed the “The White Knight”, McNugget has yet to review a photo of himself without exclaiming, “God, I’m SO white.” The glamour shot above is his best/tannest picture known to date.



Paleness aside, this past week has been filled with prep for yesterday’s Christmas Show Celebration, an event that turned out to be 4 solid hours of first-class entertainment.

Kids from every level performed plays (in English) that made us all laugh, Goony cry, and me reflect on how amazingly creative some of the students are. A couple of the performances in particular were down-right beautiful. My youngest kids “Jingle Bell Danced” and I couldn’t help but feel proud.

In between shows, the Thong had us entertain the rest of the student body. First, we warmed the crowd with “Santa Says” and a game of musical chairs. Second, a dance contest. Third, it was our turn to sing a 14 minute music mix that we kicked off with a CCR’s Have You Ever Seen the Rain soul train. Then, I sang our favorite Potato song (a 21st century power ballad) as the crowd shouted with me in Thai.

Goony cranked up the volume with the next Thai pop-song when he bench pressed McNugget to the upbeat music. Luckily before things got too stimulating for the kiddies, they cooled down the audience with a powerful yet tasteful duet of Lionel Ritchie’s Say You, Say Me. I slow danced with The Thong. We capped the musical montage with the rest of the English Department staff and sang our beloved Last Christmas by George Michael.

Lastly for the “Mike, John, and Aman games” we held an eating competition…


FAT AMERICAN TEAM CHOKES IN COOKIE-EATING CONTEST.

During a job interview, when a potential new employer asks, “What’s your greatest weakness?”, if I was being completely honest, I’d respond, “Eating competitions. I can’t turn them down.”

Perhaps it’s the adrenaline rush of the race itself. Perhaps it’s the beauty of the art. You’re faced with a dish, or better yet, a grand mound of sustenance, and while you have a set of opponents, it’s ultimately a war waged between food and man. It’s a rare form that combines speed, power, technique, and finesse, and as soon as you underestimate the task at hand, you may be faced with an oh-so-humbling loss as you pout and hold your belly.

Unfortunately, McNugget and I faced this nightmare today. We were demoralized on Christmas.



The contest seemed simple: 6 teams of two, 12 cookies, 2 balloons, no water. The first 3 teams to finish their cookies and blow up their balloons go on to the final Banana Round.

As the Americans, we were the strong favorites. Some parents screamed, “Objection! Objection! They have McDonalds! They are Supersize!” while other parents bet their house payment, child’s university tuition, and kitchen sink on the notion we would dominate. After hearing the rules, I looked at McNugget and said, “Pie, man. Easy as pie.” he smiled back and gave me some knucks.

Journey’s Anyway You Want It blasted through the speakers and we ripped through the wrappers of our first “powder” cookies. They instantly dissolved into a hard to swallow goo, and for a moment, I felt nervous. But we plowed on, and finished our cookies well before the other teams. The kids were going crazy; the parents who bet their life’s savings on us started shouting, “Go Amereeka! Amereeka! BLO BLO BLO!”

Cookies ahead of the competition, I calmly grabbed my balloon and attempted to inflate it, but to no prevail. A minute passed, the other teams had more cookies, and we still had flat balloons. Slowly more and more teams finished their cookies; we kept giving the balloons our all, but were unable to budge the little rubbers. Suddenly it was over. We had been duped by the Thai balloon.

The students enjoyed the final Banana Round while we held back the bitter tears of defeat. As McNugget said, “It was like we were inches from the finish line, a bird crapped right in our eye and we couldn’t even see the competition pass us by.”

TEACHERS ADOPT JAPANESE TOURIST.

To witness the cookie debacle was our new friend, a Japanese man whose name we do not know. He is a 5’3” man-child and is one of our favorite characters in Thailand.

For about a month, he’s been staying at the Tourist Inn & Bakery, a place we go on the weekends for a good meal and hot shower between adventures. From what we can tell he never leaves and does absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and act genuinely insane. We’ve also concluded he is actually a cartoon fugitive, hiding in upcountry Thailand.

We started to bring him everywhere we go, not only because we thoroughly enjoy his company, but a small part of me believes it’s because we want to hear him introduce himself for the first time, thus revealing his secret identity.

Yesterday, when he came to our school, The Thong turned to me, and asked, “Miiiike, you introduce me to your friend?” After some awkward squirming I weaseled into ADD-mode and looked up at the ceiling. So she took it upon herself, the moment of unveiling would be coming any second. “Hello. My name is Pi Thong”, somewhat appropriately, our small friend responded, “Hello. I’m a Japanese tourist.”
…



In the Christmas spirit, while walking around the city, we decided to give the cartoon a nickname. He seems to be quite fond of it, which is nice, because it fits him so slim-sexy. And at least in our hearts, he’ll be remembered forever as Skeeter. Good ole Skeeter “The Eater”.
CHRISTIANITY LOST IN TRANSLATION.

80 percent correct. 20 percent wacky. I’m finding that’s how most Western World ideas arrive in Thailand – dented, but functional nonetheless.

Two weeks ago, I went to buy a new memory card at the main Chiang Rai electronics store. Of course it was out-of-stock, but they insisted I wait and drink green tea while they went to their other store and picked one up. So I obliged and talked with the owner, Sangaroon, for nearly an hour. Turns out that she studied her masters in London, and she spoke English faster than any foreigner I’ve ever met. It was almost too fast for me to handle. Talking a mile a minute with a mini-ear phone surgically attached to her ear, she introduced me to her “very fat” son and called me a liar when I told her I did not have a Thai girlfriend.

After purchasing the card, we exchanged contact information, and since then, Sangaroon has hit me up nearly everyday with a friendly email or social invite. Unfortunately we have been quite busy, and until two nights ago, we have been unable to meet.
…
Thais are predominantly Buddhist, but in the north, there is apparently a small Christian population. Sangaroon’s husband is among the few, and invited us to a Christmas party on the Eve. The night was going well, and while we were sipping our after-meal tea, Sangaroon waved us over to the door. We peaked to see a large group of peeps gathered outside.

Seconds later, candles were lit, and carols sung by the sea of Christians. It was our first taste of the 2005 Christmas spirit.



Afterwards we socialized with the locals, and were invited by the church’s Pastor to go caroling with them at one final house. May I add, he has one of the deepest voices I’ve ever encountered, which for a Thai male, is inconceivable. We traveled via cramped van to the back alleys of low-end Chiang Rai, crossed broken-down bridges, weaved through a herd of night-buffalo, and parked outside a neighborhood of rabid dogs. After waiting for two lost taxis for nearly 20 minutes, all the houses remained lifeless. As McNugget and I grew uneasy with the situation, the others finally arrived, and we began our carols.

At the end of the last verse, the lights turned on in one of the shadier houses and we all walked inside, greeted by a steaming bowlful of traditional Thai noodles. We felt at home as could be, eating, chatting, sitting in a circle - the Christmas spirit was in full gear. Then the wacky 20% percent kicked in, and I hope I’ll never forget what happened next.

Conversations were silenced when the Pastor began to speak. Everyone listened intently to his every word, and then he looked at us, the true-blue Americans, and said, “Now we pray.” The circle cheered. He threw his right arm forcefully into the air, hand stretched out and everyone quickly followed. Yes, you are envisioning it correctly. It was straight up like a salute to Hitler’s Third Reich. And if that wasn’t enough, everyone starting yelling their own individual prayers at the top of their lungs. Somehow, somehow, McNugget and I held back any and all emotion until we returned to our humble abode.

Ho-Ho-Holy enough.



FACTS OF THE WEEK:

• I finally played with the golf team where I saw a variety of swing styles, from feet together to no follow through. We each had 3 balls, a random single iron, and would try to lay up to the one and only green. After a round, we’d walk to our ball, hit back to the tee and repeat. After one hour of practice, I was the only one to shank the ball and/or stick it on the green, coaches included. They would watch me hit and were surprised by how far I could smack a wedge. I felt strong, like gorilla.

• Last week, McNugget went on a man-date with Skeeter. Despite language barriers, he said that the date “went well” and that they basically spent the entire dinner making funny-faces at one another, laughing the night away.

FUN OR NOT SO FUN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

• If you are an American, and you come to Thailand, you’ll be asked, “will you break-dance for us?” not, “can you break dance, but will you break-dance, because all Americans obviously know how.

• Thais are all about social-economic class. For example, if you invite your boss to go out to eat with you, because he/she earns more monies than you, your boss is somewhat expected to cover the bill. We’ve gotten the screwgie a few times due to the fact that all westerners are not only break-dancers, but filthy rich.

• When Thai children are overly stimulated, they release excess energy by performing a “double-high five”.

CURRENT MUSIC, READINGS, MOVIES, ETC:

• (Music) Bobby Helms. Song – Jingle Bell Rock
• (Book) David Sedaris. Book – Me Talk Pretty One Day
• (Movie) Brother 2
• (Drink) Hot soy milk


“JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS”:

Translated in Thai: “Ying Ying Dong, Ying Ying Dong”

THE 2005 THAILAND HOLIDAY FAMILY PHOTO:




ON THE MENU (delayed due to holiday issue):

• Sports Weekend Promotes Safe Sex.
• Eggs-plosion in Paradise!
• Students Celebrate Drug Day with “Arabic Dancing”.

Taste of Thailand: ISSUE 3!!!

TASTE OF THAILAND ISSUE 3 DEC 12 2005



POTATO CAUSES RUDE AWAKENING.

Every morning is a beautiful struggle. A great debate of epic proportions. Goony and I usually choose to postpone the suffering, some would call it the easy way out, but regardless, as cold-man winter is settling in, our delays are getting longer and longer.

At 5 AM, we are awoken by the sounds of exotic bugs, who chirp, scratch, and psshhh the minutes by. Then it comes. The Potato blasts through our windows, piercing our eardrums and shaking us awake. Goony growls through the walls while I moan and plug my ears. Despite such blastings, everyone in Thailand loves the Potato. During the day (even night), I would say Goony and I love the Potato too. But not at 5 AM.

The Potato is one of the, if not the hottest rock/boy-band hybrid in Thailand. At school they play different Potato songs to mark activities, such as meals, flag assembly, or the ‘time-to-wake-up—at-the-crack-of-dawn-whether-you-like-it-or-not’ alarm. They carry a good tune and currently provide the soundtrack to my life.

But back to the great debate.

After a good dose of Potato, I’m faced with two choices: 1. Attempt to reach a new career-high for consecutive days without a shower (or) 2. Do 1,000 jumping jacks, bite the bullet, and dump several buckets of arctic freeze water over my naked body. Granted, going 3+ days without a shower is downright gross, but for those of you who have never experienced an arctic freeze splashing, you don’t know how painful the experience truly is. Goony, who is definitely the strongest man I know, man-roars after each bucket-full, and I, well, I let out mini-man-roars.

“CONAN-LIKE BATTLE CRIES” WAKE UP THAI BABIES.

In the flat below us, resides the school baby. A cute little pooper who enjoys peek-a-boo and crying to the Potato drum. We of course hear this cutie clear as a bell and he acts as a reliable second alarm. So what does this mean? It means that our humble abode, complete with an arctic freeze bathing basin, 14th century Roman stone mattresses, and a porcelain white no-flush toilet also comes with 1-inch sound enhancing walls.
…
But then we go to school and remember what it’s all about. Teaching continues to be a blast – the kids too cute for words.

Last week, one of my classes was canceled due to a Cubs Scouts assembly (yes, the troops are hoppin here). Of course I was slightly disappointed but continued to teach the other classes as normal. Throughout the day, three teachers approached me at different times, and asked if I was free after last period. Apparently, the students from the canceled class actually wanted me to teach after school. Crazy.

So sure enough, I walked into the classroom at 3 PM, and before I could even ask if they still wanted to learn, the kids cheered wildly. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I got a wee bit emotional.

Most weeks, Goony and I teach 22 classes each, plus the weekly “English is Fun” club. Once in a while The Thong will give us an awkward Thai lesson or we’ll teach the Thai English teachers new phrases (i.e. I’m as happy as a hippo). After school, we usually work out or play sports with the kids; soccer, basketball, golf, volleyball, rugby, bocce ball, ping-pong, karate, tae kwon do, takraw and footsall are the choices. I’ve played with most the students - except with the golf team; they swing literally with only their arms and it weirds me out.

On that note, I think it’s safe to say that Thai people are not made for athletic competition. They do however play with an incredible amount of field awareness. During all sports, students wear the same colored jersey regardless of team. And not to offend anyone, but since all the boys are required to maintain a military hairdo, 90% of these Asians look the same. This makes it really really difficult for Goony and I, so we usually end up just being teachers who are also ball-hogs.


THAI TEA TIMES.




On the weekends we go traveling around northern Thailand, most of the time with students. Our first field trip was to Wawi mountain and village, known for producing the finest tea in Thailand. I didn’t think the tea would really taste that different, but boy was it amazing.



We picked tea leaves with the freshman, who for two days also taught Goony and I. We danced, we sang, we practiced Thai language, and we listened as they showed us dozens of constellations in the star filled sky.



…
One weekend a month, the students are allowed to leave school grounds and go back home to stay with their families. And since our school started hiring foreign English teachers several years ago, no teacher has ever been invited to go home by a student.

Until now! Mwhahaha.

Since the first day of school, teachers told me I looked just like one of my freshman students, I was definitely skeptical, but the moment our eyes first met, I knew we had a winner.



Wikrom is a crazy little rugby player who likes to pick on girls and believes Nicole Kidman is the “most beautiful woman in the world”. Shortly after our first face to face meeting, the Thong told us Wikrom wanted us to go back home with him and that we should go, not because it’d be a great opportunity to experience some Thai family culture, but because “he is very rich”.

So we went with pleasure. Note his family was indeed very rich (his father is a Thai senator). His mother was incredibly sweet, and his 10 year old sister spoke better English than most of our high level students. Touring around the Pan District, we attended a traditional Thai Wedding, went shopping near Burma, and visited some northern villages.

But my favorite excursion thus far had to be our trip to an elephant camp outside Chiang Mai. Never in my life did I think I would see an elephant play soccer or run a relay race, let alone paint in various styles (abstract, nature, portraits). Thinking back on it, the whole thing still boggles my goggles.



And finally, I’m pleased to say that Cinderella is still at large, warm fuzzies are flying high, and I think to myself how lucky we are to be here each and every day.



FACTS OF THE WEEK:

• During a staff lunch, one of the teachers asked Goony if he took a shower that morning. He appropriately asked, “why? Do I smell?” at which she said, “No, because I no hear you screaming.”

• My digital SLR camera stopped working last week. The pain is worse than 100 arctic freeze splashings. And I don’t think I can get it fixed in Thailand 

• Before we arrived in Chiang Rai, Goony and I both wanted to learn Thai. It’s a simple language, as far as sentence structure goes (only one tense), but the catch is, there are 5 different tones (high, low, mid, low to high, high to low). And if you say the wrong tone, Thais will not understand what you are saying. For example, moo, moo, moo, moo, and moo all mean different things. The only “moo” I know means “pig”, and I think it’s the mid tone. I wrote a list of 40 plus verbs the other day and read them off to a Thai friend, out of all of them, she could only understand 5 of the words I was trying to say. Ouch.

• Elephants know how to taunt. May I repeat, elephants know how to taunt. Who’s your daddy now?


FUN OR NOT SO FUN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

• Thai names are super long. They are so long that everyone uses a nickname, and it’s given to them at birth by their parents. Most nicknames are simple, like Yam (means jam), Tangmo (watermelon), and Lek (small). Many nicknames, we are finding, are English words too, like Milk, Cake, and Prince.

• Physical appearance in Thailand is huge. When you meet someone, for example, they will comment on their own appearance or yours, no matter how blunt. A few times, before we have met someone, we recieved a little background on their looks, i.e. “my son look like buffalo.” My favorite goes to the teacher who’s daughter heard about my English classes (she has friends at our school) and wanted to learn with me during the night. So logically, her mom posed the question in the following manner: “My daughter want to learn English with you. She is very fat.”


TOP 5 STUDENT NICKNAMES:

5. Beer
4. Tömás
3. Dodo
2. Gold Deer
1. Turbo

AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE WEEK:



CURRENT MUSIC, READINGS, MOVIES, ETC:

• (Music) George Michael. Song – Last Christmas
• (Book) Ernest Hemmingway. Book – The Sun Also Rises
• (Movie) Will Smith. Movie – Bad Boys
• (Food) Peppered Ostrich with Bangers

ON THE MENU. FOR THE NEXT TASTE:

• McNugget Found in Land of Moo.
• Sports Weekend Promotes Safe Sex.
• Eggs-plosion in Paradise!
• Students Celebrate Drug Day with “Arabic Dancing”.

Taste of Thailand: ISSUE 2!!!

TASTE OF THAILAND ISSUE 2 NOV 23 2005



STUDENTS GO “INSANO”. TEACHERS BLAME CINDERELLA.

At 7:30 AM, 45 minutes before our first class EVER, one of our supervisors, Pi Thong asked us, if we thought we could give an introduction speech to 800 students. When? In 15 minutes.

Now since none of you know “The Thong”, you should know that a question posed in a ‘do you think you could’ manner means you will be doing whatever she says, no matter how short of notice. So I grabbed a note card and whipped out a 5 minute speech, filled with several thank-you’s, a couple shout outs, and 2 jokes that would be lost in translation.

Goony insisted I speak first, and when I was introduced, to my surprise, the kiddies went nuts. AHHHHHs! and EEEEEs! were mixed with loads of laughter. Was my zipper undone? Did I go to school in nothing but my underwear? Nope, I guess it was because they were shocked that their new American English teacher did not look “American” at all.



Then there was the first class EVER. But first let’s backtrack.



PICS AND GIGGLES.

The day prior to classes, our supervisors gave us a quick school tour and our “teaching materials”. No course books, no lesson plans, just 2 sheets of paper with 5 sentences each, outlining what we need to cover in the next few months. Wonderful. Luckily we were given a heads up in Bangkok that some schools will give you nothing to work with at all. So I smiled and acted with an appropriate amount of interest/thankfulness whilst reading my single sheet of paper.




With our plethora of teaching materials, we prepared the first week’s lessons plans. Greetings, introductions, and a handful of games to gauge their handle on English. Sure, we were a little nervous, but more excited than anything to meet our pupils.

…


As I walked towards my first class, all the kids in other classrooms were smiling and staring at me. Some whispering, some giggling, and some chasing me down the hallway. When I reached the end of the hall, I stepped in my room, where the kids immediately stood up and nearly shouted, “good morning teacher!”

I laughed and said ‘good morning’ back to them, after which we smiled at each other until I realized I had to tell them they could sit down.

Immediately I fell in love. We played loads of games, from simon-says to pictionary to dancing and singing competitions. I laughed all day, as did they, and we’ve been laughing ever since. It’s difficult for me to express how I feel when I’m with the students; it’s certainly an amazing rush.


THAIS RAVE “KOREANS ARE SO HOT RIGHT NOW”.

And classes for Goony went smooth as well. When we had free periods, we made guest appearances in each other’s classes and partook in the gaming action. The first pop-ins were absolutely mind blowing, because when I would step foot in Goony’s classroom, the kids would completely LOSE THEIR MINDS. Both girls and guys would scream at the top of their lungs and freak out until I stopped moving. We discovered that if I sat down next to a student, touched a student, or even gave a lap dance to a student, the decibel level would go through the roof.

It seems that Thais love Koreans and everything Korea. Korean movies. Korean TV shows. Korean music. And apparently, Korean-Americans with Spanish last names. Wherever I go, students are staring at me or following me, and when I smile or wave back, they either runaway giggling or hide behind their books. It’s super cute. I even have groupies who watch me teach. Our supervisors told me that some students ask them “why is Michael so beautiful”. And I’ve had a handful of random Thai adults tell me “you are very handsome.” I know what you’re thinking, it doesn’t make sense to me either.




After my first day as a rock-star, The Thong told me the craze will end after a couple months. A couple months?! I definitely thought this would be old news after the first week. But I’ll gladly stay in this Cinderella stage for as long as possible - it’s like a dozen warm fuzzies each and every day.




FACTS OF THE WEEK:

• I have a secret admirer who consistently leaves notes on my desk, wishing me a happy day. Her name is Miss Flower and I enjoy her grammatical errors.

• Sometimes our classes are so loud (with students screaming and laughing) that other teachers have told the director they cannot teach. The significance of the teachers telling the director is gigantor. Thai teachers fear confronting the director more than death.

• We honestly haven’t given any students a lap dance. But we are corrupting their innocence.

FUN OR NOT SO FUN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:

• Thais spend millions each year on products to make them more “white”. They buy lotions, soaps, and part of me thinks over the counter drugs to make them pale. It’s funny though, so many Americans spend hours sunbathing or tanning to make themselves darker. Both are pretty silly when you really think about it.

MY DIGITS:

• Thailand is 12 hours ahead of EST (i.e. 8pm EST Saturday = 8am Thailand Sunday) so if you want to make sure you get through to me, it may be best to “schedule” a time via email. If you have any difficulties, let me know, you may need to dial a country code, but I do not know offhand.

My cell: 060731166

• If you want to mail anything out, plan on a month or two shipping time.

Michael Andrew-Kim Rios
Princess Chulabhorn’s College Chiangrai
345 Moo 2. Ban Payangmon
Robwiang, Muang District, Chiangrai 57000
THAILAND

AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

• While in route to the doctor’s office for our mandatory physical, Goony and I were pondering if a physical in Thailand would be the same as the physicals we were used to. The obvious question was if our manberries would be tugged, and while we thought it was more than safe to say “manberries”, The Thong smiled at us and raised her eyebrows in an unforgettable/scarring manner.

And for those who are curious, we didn’t get a standard physical at all; the doctor literally looked at us, and declared we were in good physical condition.

CURRENT MUSIC, READINGS, AND MOVIES:

• (Music) Jamie Cullum. Album – Twenty Something
• (Book) Nick Hornby. Book – High Fidelity
• (Movie) Hillary Duff. Movie – Cinderella Story

ON THE MENU. FOR THE NEXT TASTE:

• Korean Meets Thai Twin.
• The Top 5 Student Nicknames!
• Foreigners Sample Finest Tea in Thailand.
• Bamboozlement in a Sea of Blue.

Taste of Thailand: ISSUE 1!!!

TASTE OF THAILAND ISSUE 1 NOV 6 2005
ORIENTATION KICKS OFF WITH PROSTITUTE BANG!



The Thais have a saying, or rather a name they call old, dirty, hornball men. Use your imagination, you know exactly who I’m talking about. The phrase can be roughly translated as “You Old Man Snakehead”, which I find more than appropriate for such characters.

Before I came to Bangkok, I must note, I always defended it against those who saw it as a giant red light district, a sex soiree, a city where inhibitions and morals are lost in a blanket of smog. Now, after spending a week there, I know for a fact this isn’t the case, but it doesn’t help when your first impression of a country goes as follows.

Cab Driver (first person I meet in Thailand): Where you go?
Tired Tourist (me): Mandarin Hotel please.
CD: Ah. OK OK…I treat you very good? You new friend?!
TT: Yes, of course … how lon –
CD: Where you fum?
TT: America, I’ve come to te-
CD: Ah America, bootifu! Bootifu… You want Wa;lsdkjaf?
TT: Sorry, could you repeat that?
CD: You want Wa;lsdkjaf? I bring you.
TT: Oh, um, that’s ok, I’m not very hungry. Thanks though.



(silence, pause, silence)

CD: You want Wa;lsdkjaf? I bring you. Very cheap for friend.
TT: (realizes CD is offering “Woman”) Hahaha, no thanks, the hotel is good. Hotel please.

After 20 minutes of slightly awkward conversation, I arrive at the Mandarin. It’s been a long day. I’m tired and thanks to my new friend, I’m starting to get hungry. I walk through the front doors, and before I can even reach the front desk, I spot a handful of old white men wearing beach shirts courting a handful of young Thai women wearing almost nothing at all.

Slither on fellas. Slither on.

ENGLAND AND AMERICA JOIN FORCES.



Luckily the week quickly took a turn for the better, and Bangkok, as I originally thought, had much more to offer than a few scantily clad Wa;lsdkjafs. As orientation began, I met 27 amazing people from around the US and UK. We went through hours of teacher training and Thai speaking lessons. After dinner, the night was ours, and we definitely made the rounds. Highlights include catching a Thai kickboxing match, roaming the night markets, and getting down on some intense karaoke.

I also met my new teaching partner in crime, Amandeep “Goony” Singh. We’ll both be teaching at Princess Chulabhorn’s College, a boarding school in the city of Chiang Rai (AKA north upcountry Thailand).

Goony’s a pukker chap, from London, with a Masters in Law, and a wicked sense of humor. I have no doubt that we’re going to make a cute couple.


(Goony pictured with a manly sword.)


MEN VIOLATED DURING THAI OIL MASSAGE.



I’ll be the first to admit it. I was out of my element. As soon as I realized the masseuse gave me a see-through paper man-thong, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly silly. I actually asked her if the man-thong was some kind of exfoliating scrub pillow, as it was folded tightly in a square, sealed in plastic. Of course she laughed at me, and then motioned for me to takes my clothes off.

Goony was with me to experience the confusion. We couldn’t see one another, but asked questions through the curtains like “are you naked, man?” and “should we be naked, man?” we heard man-apologies and man-groans and slap after giggle after slap. I myself got a few nipple tweaks and some intense butt rubbings. Goony got several slaps in “inappropriate areas” and 3 offers for “extended services”. No Happy Endings were given.

…

And finally, my apologies for the delay in sending out this update, we should have more regular internet access from now on and consequently more time to make love to our email.

Next week, we put our training to the test. Our classes will begin and our adventure up-north underway.

Exciting times. Exciting times.



FACTS OF THE WEEK:
• Cost of 2 hour Thai Oil massage – $10.
• Every morning, literally hundreds of Thais gather to workout together. From aerobics to tae kwon do to yoga, they do it all.
• If it is at all possible, part of me feels like I’ve been Supersized. I’ve gone from a medium size shirt to an XL, from a 32 waist to an “Ahhh you are very fat” waist, and have landed into a world where I no longer can fit into some urinal stalls.
• Goony and I are making a mini-goal to, from now on, visit more credible massage parlors.



FUN OR NOT SO FUN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES:
• Most Thais do not like to say “no”. What makes it even cuter is that you know when they want to say “no” because they’ll squirm, they’ll wiggle, and they’ll smile nervously and say “ok” or nothing at all. While it is cute, it can sometimes be a tad bit frustrating during business talks, but then I remember Thai’s rarely get angry either
• Rice. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Pork. For breakfast lunch and dinner. Of course there are other delicious options, but the rice/pork combo seems to be the bread and butter equivalent of Thai cuisine. Now the food is amazing, but there’s something about hot rice and pork in the morning that doesn’t quite kick my ball.

TOP 5 KARAOKE SONGS OF THE MOMENT:
1. Eagles – Hotel California 3. Spice Girls - Wannabe
2. Beatles - Yellow Submarine 4. Billy Joel - Uptown Girl
5. Weather Girls - It’s Raining Men

TASTE OF BACK HOME:



• For some reason, the masses here love Sylvester Stallone. I heard they may have filmed some of Rambo here? Either way, we’ve found that the Sly frequently has his own section of movies at stores.

ON THE MENU. FOR THE NEXT TASTE:
• American Has Out of Body Experience.
• Brit Baths in Goat Milk.
• Rice, More Rice, and the First Week of School.
• “Conan-Like Battle Cries” Wake up Thai Babies!

2006 New Years Resolutions

OKAAAAAAAY!! i gotta post these resolutions to put some pressure on myself to actually fulfill them...here goes...in no order of importance...

• 
  Go running in the morning for 30 min at least 3 times a week..then go to skool feelin like Fauja Singh....
• 
  
  Sort out all aspects of my spiritual sphere (severely lacking)...in particular simran (meditation) , seva (selfless work), kirt kamo (hard work) and vand ke shakna (sharing)..pretty much everything...
• 
  Hit the gym with more intensity...get totally ripped and MASSIVE!!!!
• 
  Become the most feared Muay Thai boxer to have ever graced the ring...
• Learn more Thai, and generally educate myself about other cultures and traditions...but maybe not the local food delights!!!
• Write a novel...
• 
  
  Become the leader of the "Ladyboy Movement"...we'll take over the world...soon everyone will see the error of their wayz...the dawn of the transsexual age is fast arriving...join the party....and don't forget to bring your wig, short skirt and padded bra....soon we'll all look like them...MWAHAHAHA!!! (evil Magambo laugh...."Magambo kush howa!")...
• 
  
  Stop going to dodgy massage parlours...it always happens!!!..accidently of coarse...
• 
  Sharpen up on my footie skills, to a humble Maradona standard, at least...then get picked by Sven to lead the charge to bring the World Cup back home from Germany in the summer....
• ......
• 
  I will always wear clean kasheeras (sikh boxer shorts), "just in case".
• 
  Learn how to use a squat toilet...

yours truely,

the goonsta...

2005 in Pictures...Reflections...

jan: tragic tsunami....woman mourns a relative killed in the tsunami in cuddalore, tamil nadu...the earthquake occurred just off the coast of indonesia..it was the strongest for 40 years and triggered a series of deadluy waves which fanned across the indian ocean...coastal areas from somalia to sumatra were affected...killing at least 150, 000 people and leaving millions destitute....it was a deeply sad way to start the year...but the uniting of the world in aiding the affected areas showed that the selfless elements of human nature still existed....

feb: ecstatic ellen...britain's ellen macarthur completes her single-handed round-the-world voyage in record-breaking time...27,000-mile voyage in 71 days and under 15 hours...honoured as a dame by the queen...simply amazing and inspiring feat of human willpower and skill....

mar: crazy mike's court case begins...jury acquitted the singer on all counts...friggen weirdo....

apr: the passing of pope john paul II...greatest tide of pilgrims and heads of state in the vatican's history...stupendous scenes and show of emotion...

apr: charles and camilla wed...the wedding brings to a conclusion a relationship between charles and camilla that began when they met at a windsor polo match in 1970, a year before the prince joined the royal navy...diana, princess of wales, famously referred to camilla as one of the contributing factors in the breakdown of her marriage to charles....miss her man, she was tooooo cool...

may: liverpool 3 : 3 ac milan (liv win on penalties)...seriously one of the best nights of my life...so dramatic...so sweet...liverpool back where they belong...ruling europe...watched it at jasjot's house with rasanjit (ardent ac milan fan)..i was about to leave at halftime when we were o - 3 down..gotta a phonecall from hardeep...he reminded it ain't over until the fat singh does bhangra..he was right...rasanjit was gutted..and we were totally elated....

june: soaked glastonbury gets underway...seriously flooding...i've wanted to go for years...any1 up 4 it?.......

july: "are you ready to start a revolution?"..madonna at live 8 (hyde park)...joined on stage by 24-year-old Birhan Woldu...one of the starving children featured in the original Live Aid concert who was helped thanks to money raised 20 years ago...i was at the glasgow live 8 concert...it was amazin...very very postive...

july: the positveness is curtailed by the news filtering through the following morning...four explosions ripped across central london on thursday 7 july...fifty-six people including the four bombers were killed in the blasts and 700 were injured...one of the sad incidents which branched off from these bombings was the police shooting of an illegal brazilian worker...running into a tube station...wrongly suspected of being a suicide bomber...i still rememeber watching a documentary on how a very small number of british - muslims stated how they owed their alliegances else where and not to this coutry..the country that gave them the right to free speech to say such things in the first place...the kind of free speech which they won't find in some islamic states....if your alliegance is elsewhere then F@#K OFF!!!!!

july: 2012 olympics in the bag...unlikely victory over paris...apparently we should have been facing (and would have lost against) madrid in the final had it not been for a voting mistake by one of the olympic committe members...haha...lord coe had vowed to "give his liver" for the cause...as a jubilant sir steve redgrave said after the vote... "it was even more satisfying than beating the germans at football - in a penalty shoot-out"...just about mate...

sept: the ripping up of houses and nature...an estimated 80% of new orleans underwater..the anguish and anger...the total loss of law and order, widespread looting and violence...the horrific conditions inside the city's superdrome where people sought refuge, without adequate sanitation and numerous reports of rape and muggings...perhaps the worst of human nature was exemplified here...the minimal support shown by central government...........in short, hurricane katrina....

oct: hundreds die in south asia quake...the 7.6-magnitude quake with the epicentre 80km (50 miles) north-east of islamabad...killed thousands and affected pakistan, afghanistan and india...mother nature tells us whose boss, again...

nov: french riots...shocked to read about this in the bangkok post...shades of a civil war...the poor suburbs of paris were set ablaze in the worst of eight consecutive nights of rioting, with 500 cars torched and a gym and primary school razed... the wave of unrest spreading to at least 20 provincial towns...interior minister sarkozy's hard-line stance - he has spoken of "hosing down" the "scum" (thought to be directed at immigrant youths and the youth of crime ridden neighbourhoods) - fanned the flames of protest...what a fool...

nov: passing away of a footballing legend and inspiration...george best..i used to watch the man utd old footage in awe...perhaps the best pointer to where george best sits among the footballing gods comes from the man generally reckoned to be the best...pele himself once dubbed best "the greatest footballer in the world"...its close...maybe not pele...but i think you can totally mention bestie in the same breath as maradonna and cruyff...

dec: former iraqi president saddam hussein and his former intelligence chief barzan ibrahim al-tikriti berate the court during their trial in baghdad...it resumed...only to be disrupted almost at once when the defence team walked out of court in a protest over the legitimacy of the tribunal and the security of lawyers...a total farce...

dec: london oil blaze... sooooooo big....satellite imaging showed an immense column of smoke pouring out of the buncefield depot...stretching for more that 70 miles across southern England and heading for France...premises nearby industrial estates had been "peeled open" by the force of the blast...shocked when i heard about this from a random british hippie i met in a house party in chaing mai...police interviewed a tanker driver who feared he sparked it all off...wouldn't wanna be him man!...

Phu Chi Fa: A Weekend of Randy Ladyboys, Stunning Views and River Boat Cruises...

Somo...she's half Thai and half Dutch..and very very cool!!

With Somo's mum.. just before we left school...me lookin pregnant...

A rocker at the "Madam Country Pub"..they were pretty good..until the dude started singing!!

Mike having fun with the horniest homosexual dude I have ever met (I've met a few..nudge nudge..wink wink)..and a giant ladyboy I still see in my nightmares..

John and the Fon(z)..already drunk...but holding themselves together pretty well...

yep....that's a big big mouth..good for only one thing....(u lot are disgusting!!!!!!)

The serial ass grinder!!..if your ever in Chang Khong watch out..I've put her pic up as a warning and for all those that don't want their ass grinded to dust....

Somo's mother..about to cook me some tasty fried rice..mmmm...

Nungutt..aka..the Omen, the spawn of satan...a possible contender for the "Anti-Christ" position!!

Acting normal with grandma...look close..u can see the evil in his eyes..the "666" stamp next to his right ear....

We finally reach Phu Chi Fa..everyones happy...Somo's mum thinks she's my Lois Lane...Grrrrr..

Me....taking a picture of Mike...who is also taking a picture...(just state the obvious why don't you!!!)

The uni massive camped in early..crafty buggers..the clever ones are lower down the slope..so there was less chance of slipping, falling and dying.....

Nungnutt practicing an ancient Celt dance to summon the red, two-horned one, from below..

John joins Nungnutt's evil plans to take over the world and bring in a reign of anarchy..he is promised a tan in return....

Somo's mother just loves cooking...everything...everywhere!!!..move over little lady, let the punjaban show u how to make some loaded and steaming poronthea! (indian pan cakes!)

The camping crew...around the camp fire...the candle.....

the boyz....John being blinded by the campfire smoke....

"Jom Yuhyt",,,with guitar..hawaiian shirt..and bad vocals.....

4.30 am....waiting with hundreds of other people to see the sun strut its stuff..

Fon, Nungnutt and auntie find the funny side of waking up at a crazy hour and then walkin a dangerous route in the pitch black...great fun (it was actually!!!)

come on baby...don't be shy..

thats it...pappa's waiting....

come on now..everybody's waiting....

opening one of your eyes...

RISE AND SHINE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

...........!!!!!!!!

three amigos....

twisted boyz......

the fon(z)...

"Nungnutt...you were adopted..."...the reaction says it all...he knows..im on to him...the exorcist baby!!!!!

Just in case we didn't know..we're standing on Phu Chi Fa.....

the adventurers!!!!

Everybody stands..transfixed by the beauty around them...

Islands surrounded by a fluffy sea...

the goonster....one jump from death (its actually quite tempting..how would it feel if i jumped..do u eva get that feelin when ure standing waiting for a train..jus wantin to jump onto the tracks....no??!!! okaaaaaay..i'm weird....)

Mike and John...Mike puts on a brave face after just dropping his favourite pair of glasses..

Mike challenging death in his quest to retrieve his beloved glasses...

.........!!!!!!!!!!!

it looks different in the light...i almost slipped and died walking up this trail in complete darkness just a few hours previously....

John and Mike "bumming" each other.....

the boyz keepin things bright!!

I was soooooo close to jumping into the waters..swimming...climbing the waterfall rock..dancing.....all naked....

Somo's uncle and I..he drove us to Phu Chi Fa..and almost drove us off the cliff on 4 seperate occassions....

the fon(z)....she was toooooo cool, and very very childish...i loved it man!!!

check out the scenery behind the fon(z)...

Taking a picture of Fon...whose taking a picture of us....

and here we are!!!!!!

.....!!!!!!

nearest we've got to Laos....i'm planning to take the place by storm next month..

shooting downing imaginary Manchester United fans....

will some one PLEASE pimp my ride!!!!!!!

lookin around for sexy pebbles...

Mike hoping to break some world records....

......!!!!!!

the explorers!!!!!

At a cafe late in the evening.....Nungnutt reflecting on what I had told him earlier.."so thats why i don't look like her!!!"

Everyone's knackered..except Somo...don't worry... we'll see how bright she feels after i give her extra homework.....

OMG!!!!! This was probably my best weekend in Thailand to date..it had everything!!!! A barrel of laughs, a warm Thai family, adventure and beautiful and untainted views of the best Mother Earth has to offer!! We were invited this week by Somo's family to spend the weekend with them in Cheang Khong in northern Thailand..its a small, quaint town where everyone knows each other and it is located in the middle of the most awesome scenic settings...surrounded by mountains, rivers, waterfalls, green lush fields and trillions upon trillions of sunflowers!!!! This was the first time that John joined us on a weekend outside of Chiang Rai..and quite frankly he couldn't wait to get out!!!! Neither could I!! The promise of waterfalls, mountain camping and river cruising made my mouth water!!!

After a 2 hour drive up country, we finally arrived..It was pleasant surprise to find out that Somo's mother owned a restaurant and that was herself the head chef!!! mmm....I was already day-dreamin of delicious Thai fried rice...At home we were introduced to Somo's family...her mother...her sister Fon..her nephew (son of Fon) Nungnutt...her little cousin Mamioo..in short her family was a bunch of the most crazy, yet warm, people I've had the pleasure to meet!! The whole week I couldn't distinguish who was more childish..Fon (27), Nungnutt (8) or Mamioo (8)..they would be alway playing games and jokes on each other....I joined the gang...Goony (23) was acting more kidish then the lot!!! That side of me had been wanting to burst out for ages...when you can make silly noises, run around like a headless chicken, swing kidz around without them screaming "MOM...THIS STRANGE MAN IS TOUCHING ME!!"...(nightmare!)..

On the first night Fon took us out to "Madam Country Pub" the local hangout for the trendy kidz and rockers of the town...and also (what she forgot to mention) horny homosexuals, giant ladyboys and drunkards barely able to stand but wanting to get into a fight with absoloutely everyone...the place was dimly lit..a very dangerous situation for the three amigos...as we walked to the back, our asses were slapped and nipples tweaked..by who??...we'll neva know..strange but true..i think that club is huanted by ladyboys of yesteryear..their souls waiting to be freed by the man that would come..the man with the big S on his chest and a flowing beard..I had arrived..OKAAAAAY!! (i'm sorry,,,i usually start daydreamin like this around about this time....siesta baby!!)

You must realise that I have nothing against homosexuals, lesbians, transsexuals, Manchester United fans (wait a minute..ok then!)..I have many friends of such persuasion and even completed a study on "Sexuality, Gender and Human Rights" for my Masters of Law!!! Sikhism reminds me that the same light is within all beings..but when that being trys to grind me then thats a different matter!!! When Mike, John and I hit the small dancefloor we were approached by many friendly locals...friendly in the sense they were trying to shag us!!!! 3 in particular stood out..a huge ladyboy who kepy rubbing my back, a gay dude who kept trying to dance with me and, when he did so, put his hands all over my chest and followed my body down and "accidently" touched my crotch!!! I was like "Woah!!!". And lastly a midget gyal that kept trying to grind me...GRIND ME!!! complete role reversal!!!! funny thing is she would grind and the turn around and grind my ass with...her ass...I was like WTF!!!! I'm pleased to say that I was not the only person afforded this special treatment...Mike in particular got physically violated by the gay dude and John was grinded to near death by the midget gyal...then the shit really hit the fan...a drunk guy was about to swing at me, as i bumped into him with my powerful hip movements, but almost fell himself in the process...and then....then.....the gay dude eyed me up, tweaked my left nipple and whispered in my ear "do u drink" (no)..."u dance good" (thanks) ... "u are built for sex" (OKAAAAY!!..LETS GET THE F*@K OUT OF HERE BOYS!!!!!!!!)...and so ended my night at the "Madam Country Pub"......thank the Lord......

The next morning, after a ganders around the town's food market, more mischief with Nungnutt, Mike's new haircut and John stepping on dog poop and then spreading it all over the guest room floor, we hit the road...we were off to Phu Chi Fa...the fabled mountain (that's not its definition..just sounds good..!) ..the truck held the goonster, Mike, John, Fon, Somo, Somo's mother, Nungnutt, Mamioo, Somo's uncle and aunt...two tents and enough food to feed a small army...

After a journey spent sleeping, reading the "Life of Pi", almost swerving off the narrow mountain roads and singing old skool Lionel Richie songs we finally arrived...many people had already set up their tents...we found a spot between two groups of uni students singing (badly) around their respective fires. After we had set up tent (i say "we"...but in reality Mike, John and I were chillin like a trio of lazy bastards..) we made a fire (the same description of "we" is extended here) and we made food (yep, once again, we done shit all)...Somo's mother roasted some beautifully juicy pieces of meat...I tucked into my usual peanut butter and jam sandwich..of which Nungnutt had half...I was starving and ready to eat grass...fortunately Somo's mom made me some veg food...it was nasty..starving was a betta option...

After I had munched the nastiness, Mike had munched everything and John's eyes had been munched by the fire's smoke, we decided that we would not go to sleep early like the rest of our fellow adventurers but instead meet some uni kidz.....OH BOY!!!...we hit three groups of campers...

The first group were totally pissed out of their heads!! they kept singing american classics such as "hotel california" very very badly...after they had inquired where we were from wot the hell we were doin here we sang random thai songs (I hummed) around a campfire long into the night...the guitar skills were provided by a dude callin himself "Jom Yuht" (a title to a very popular Thai song)...he was very drunk and busted one of the strings on his guitar...it was all good, he actually played better therafter....they kept trying to force us to drink this dodgy lookin whisky out of a unlabelled bottle..after Mike had chirpsed and taken down some numbers from the amused lookin thai uni gyals we thought it was time to make a move...

The second bunch were a bit boring..we only sang one song with them...I think it was "Uptown Girl"...we exchanged pleasantries and moved on...

The third gang was the wildest...they saw us from afar and had probably smelt our foreign blood..we thought "WOAH!!!!!"...there were like 15 gyals and only 2 guys!!!!...I could see the boys lickin their lips already....problem....half the 15 gyals were ladyboys..it was too late, we were already sat in the circle of ladyboys wearing tight jeans and padded bras...but they were so welcoming..we played many games, most of them pointless and confusing but totally laugh inducing nevertheless..they included dancing games around the fire where we had to copy these two ladyboyz and their scandalous moves!!..after much pelvic thrusting, hip twisting and booty dipping we took group pictures (where luck would have it that i was right at the front..campfire infront of me..every time I screamed "MY BALLS ARE ROASTING!!" they laughed...i don't think they realised that i was friggen gettin barbecued man!!...barbecued meat balls dude!!)...and after some small chat we left to catch 40 winks before we were to be awoken at 4am to trekk to the summit...

That night Mike, John and I got quite intimate...3 of us slept in a tent meant to accomodate 2 Thai guys (who are pretty small anyway)...we were lying tight, right next to each other...ass rubbing ass, crotch rubbing ass, tossing and turning, moaning... as the condensation built up inside, the temperature became freezing outside and the uni students either side of us kept singing (awfully)...we tried to sleep the best we could...

After absoloutely no sleep we awoke at 4am, packed the tent and other equipment, left them inside the truck and started the walk up the mountain..in complete darkness...John pretty much cursed all the way up, all it took was one slip and bones would snap..the group were walkin soooo slow so I decided to go solo and after much tricky terrain I finally reached the summit..along with hundreds of others..after making friends with random American and Japanese tourists we waited together, holding our breath, for the sunrise...it took its time...but it was mind-blowingly beautiful and worth the wait..it was like lookin down from heaven..the clouds below us looked like a fluffy sea and the mountain peaks looked like neighbouring islands...I will never forget that moment..for the rest of my life...I was so lucky...it was like God was lookin down on our flabbergasted reaction, smiling and laughing to himself..whispering in each and everyone of our ears..."whose the daddy"...

After much picture taking and a few dangerous moments (Mike about to fall down the mountain whilst trying to find his glasses, which he had just dropped off a cliff) we got back into the truck and headed back to Chang Khong...stopping off to view a couple of waterfalls....after resting we headed off for a river cruise...after more stunning scenery and the closest we've been to Laos to date, we anchored off a deserted little island where we looked for perfect pebbles to "water skip" with (i forget its proper name...u know, when you launch a pebble onto the water's surface, seeing how many times it will skip downstream)...I looked at everyone having so much fun in such a simple fashion....I felt so content..i could have lived on this secluded island forever...writing love poems..(okay, that was tooo gay!!)

We spent the night chillinwith Somo's family and friends from around town, everyone was so cool....an amazing weekend was capped with Somo's mother telling us Thai folk tales around the family dining table....I didn't want to leave Chang Khong...ever...the kindness of the people and the wonderous scenery was out of this world...

Merry Christmas Biatches!!!!!

John, Skeeter (Japanese friend who has just joined the gang!!!), Mike and I at Chaing Rai Central Church on Christmas Eve....

Hey Everyone!!!! Just wanna say I hope you've all had an amazing Christmas!!! This has been my most surreal Christmas to date....details and pics will be posted shortly, lets just say that attempting to sing Christmas carols in Thai is a big no no for goony now...I hope everyone got what they wanted and best wishes for the New Year!!!!!! "Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock...." ..... Wohoooooooooooooo!!!!!